Is skinny really a goal? I almost died, again!

Yesterday I finally bit the bullet and decided to get back into Insanity.  Yeah, I'm not really sure what I was thinking or why but it was all the hellish torture I remembered from before and it was the day 1 workout!  As I forced myself through the craziness, I had about 15 minutes left and almost decided to turn it off.  Then I thought to myself (as I lay on the floor, heaving for breath and writhing in agony) "You only have 15 minutes left, and 4 of those minutes are for stretching and cool down!  You can do it!"  So I got up, hit the play button and pushed through the final minutes of day 1.  I almost died, again!

After the workout was over, I lay there thinking...why am I doing this?  Is it to feel better about myself, is it just to be able to gloat that I can wear size Small?  Is it just so I can say I'm skinny?  And it hit me...is being skinny really a goal?  And if so, how do we measure when we've hit said goal.  I've lost nearly 40lbs since I began this journey last November.  I said to myself then, once I've lost 40lbs that was my goal and I would be satisfied.  Now, staring that 40lb loss in the face, I'm still not happy.  I still feel fat and overweight and unattractive, chunky, husky, pudgy, soft, stocky, heavy etc.  I realize there are people out there that are far bigger than I am, but they aren't me and I'm not them.  We are our own worst critics and no one knows how we feel but ourselves.  I know I'm not fat (maybe a lil chunky?) but I'm still not super happy about how I look in the mirror. 

I entitled my blog as such because this really is a NEVER ENDING quest.  Even when you hit what you think is your "goal", then you spend your life working to maintain.  Most of time when we hit our "goals" then we want to set new goals and go even further.  It's non-stop.  We obsess over this so much that we drive ourselves crazy trying any and everything we can to lose weight.  We count points, we pop pills, we run, we lift weights, we starve ourselves, we "shake our Sensa".... there isn't anything that we won't do if it helps us lose weight.  I'm going to try and stop obsessing over my weight so much and just work toward feeling better about me.  In my mind I feel like I need to lose 15-20 more pounds to "look good", but there's no way to know that.  What if I look good after 10lbs or what if I lose 20lbs and still think I look fat?  I'm over setting a goal of a specific weight and I'm going to focus on how I look and feel.  If I look and feel good at 170lbs then that is great!

With all that said, I still haven't decided if I'm going to attempt to continue Insanity or just go into general workout mode, maybe daily walk/runs, or using Insanity as a workout a couple of times per week vs. a full 9 week routine.  Trial and error.  Onward we go.  No looking back, only forward....

That's all I have for today.

Wishing you success in your goals.

Keith